Margaret's Story

It's not everyday that the sun rises that we get hope for a better day. To her each dawn represented another day at war with the demons she battled inside.Tears streaked down her tired and dejected looking face as she lied on the dark stuffy room where a grim atmosphere hovered.The room was cavernous and dank and the green walls seemed to cave in on her making her feel trapped. Unsteady was playing softly in the background as she tried to cry out for help but no one came to her rescue and was instead greeted by cold silence and the smell of defeat that surrounded her. She was shut out to the world, lying in the river of her own tears that cascaded down her face, blurring her vision, some landing on her bed whilst some into her mouth giving her a taste of her own sorrow and blistering pain. She lost herself in the pain and it welcomed and embraced her, devouring every bit of her.

 

Outside of her room everything went on as usual, oblivious to her pain and torment and she'd given up on hoping and waiting for someone to save her but chose to resign herself to her fate and make it her best friend. She was a shell of her former self and the warm tears were the only reprieve that she had to quench whatever it was that was consuming her from within. The darkness surrounding her seemed to linger on hanging heavily. She rocked back and forth with her eyes in a distant daze lost in her own world tormented by the memories  that took away every bit of hope and joy that she'd ever known.

 

A wide expanse of her life had been filled with pain, anger, betrayal and internal battles of all the unkind words and experiences that were embedded not only in her memory but also in the marks that she bore. It was hard for her to develop a thick skin and to find strength in being soft because everytime she dared to trust and believe that something was actually working for her, lighting strikes not just once but twice and she'd find herself in a downward spiral back to everything she thought she was free from and everytime she tried to voice out what she was going through they said she had a problem with her self esteem. This often left her feeling like all there was for her and all there ever will be were the imperfections and scars. That's all people will always see when they dared to look close enough at her.

 

They say everything happens for a reason but she was yet to find hers. She always wondered what warranted such a severe punishment and she'd stopped asking why her or trying to figure it out because it made no sense and only made her head spin more. Her twin daughters slept peacefully beside her, incognizant of the pain she was in. Part of her had forgotten that they were lying there. She rocked back and forth to the rhythm of no music scratching and digging her fingernails into her upper arms not minding the blood that was slowly streaking. Nothing mattered and no one else existed at this point as she looked around the room for anything real but everything around her seemed broken leaving her with nothing to connect to. She wondered frantically why it always had to be her who was not okay because it seemed life was mocking her by offering searing pain with no comfort while everyone else danced on her grave.

 

xxxxx

 

Stephanie or Steph as her friends called her could hardly contain her happiness when she saw the test results. Her feet barely touched the ground and for the first time in a long while the universe seemed to be smiling at her. Her hopes soared, sunshine flooding through her face as she ran along the hospital corridors hugging clueless strangers who were only left wondering. Things had been going well for her and this was a major icing to top it all up. She took out her phone and started dialing looking for someone to share the news with, someone who'd be equally happy for her but she couldn't bring herself to. She wanted to absorb the moment and relish in it. She took out the results and read them out again this time out loud for anyone who could hear. She was pregnant and finally going to have not one but two babies. How was she going to break the news to Mark and how would he react? Choking down the fear that she might lose him, she glanced at her belly lovingly and braced herself for whatever the aftermath would be.

 

 

When she got home she placed the beautiful romper she'd bought on the bed and placed the test results beside it. She wanted for it to be a perfect surprise and for him to share her joy. His favorite meal was already on the table and she was edgy as she sat there waiting. For her, time slowed to a stop as she constantly looked at the door in anticipation. The clock was slowly ticking, dogs howling and cars honking and the neighbors were laughing and drinking the night away. 

 

She was startled by the shrilling of her phone and she quickly sat up and looked around her. It was in the wee hours of the morning and as she tried to adjust to her environment, the phone started ringing again. She picked it up and it was Mark asking her drunkenly to let him in the house. Her heart sank as she headed for the door because the surprise she wanted to be perfect was already ruined. He begrudgingly walked past her lamenting why it had taken her so long to open the door but never waited for her response. He walked into the bedroom, threw the surprise she'd laid out for him on the floor and asked her to join him in bed as he stripped down. 

 

Tears streamed down her face as she watched him knowing that he had been with her while she was here waiting. Everyone wondered why she still stayed despite all that he put her through but he was the only love she'd ever known and most of them wouldn't understand. She had been in a relationship with him for six years and he was the only constant she had. The sweetness and vitality of his charm when they first started dating had her so hung on to him and whenever she considered leaving him because of his womanizing ways part of her clung to the hope that the man she'd fallen in love with was still somewhere in this stranger she was now seeing. And she knew deep down that if she chose to walk out she'd have nothing and no one. Everyone else just saw her scars and past but he saw much more, at least he used to. She had built a home around him and she wasn't willing to let it go because it'd prove whatever everyone said of her to be true. She always felt like an audience in the widespread rumours and neighborhood trot which had a large bearing on how people perceived her and their relationship. They didn't understand the comfort and assurance his cherubic face gave her. None of them had any idea of what her life had been and why she stayed but despite the side eye and the rumours she stood her ground. 

 

He beckoned for her to join him again this time booming it as a command and she half heartedly dragged her feet towards him picking her baby clothes in the process and keeping them away. He ripped off her clothes as she begged him to stop but her pleas fell on deaf ears, and he had his way with her severally before finally collapsing in bed and sleeping off. She cried bitterly holding her stomach asking her babies to forgive her whilst praying that they'd be okay and no harm had come to them .She felt dirty and her body hurt as she looked at the stranger who lay beside her wondering what happened to the person she'd met and fell in love with. She loathed him.

 

She went to the bathroom and scrubbed off every scent of his from her body between muffled cries asking God why it always had to be her. She watched as her blood mixed with the water and was washed away granting her a sense of atonement. This made her feel forgiven and that she'd paid for her sins. She tied a rope tightly around herself and curled up on the sofa hoping to drift away in sleep. Her ghosts haunted her and every demon she'd fought so hard to numb seemed to have suddenly woken up and had a field day tormenting her. She was creased with bitterness towards everyone and everything around her and she started breaking everything that stood in her way. She fell on her knees and wailed crying out for help and strength to anyone who'd hear her but no help was forthcoming. She was devastated and defeated, for life had taken everything from her including her dignity and self confidence that all she had was him and the mere thought that she was losing him too made her weary. How fate could be so unfair to one individual still shocked her or perhaps it was fate that brought her here after giving him six years of her life. She had found him severally tangled in a dance as old as time with different women on their bed but each time he said he did that because she pushed him to. She knew she wasn't perfect and that her acerbic tongue oftenly didn't work in her favor but she'd tried to paper over the cracks in her character trying to smoothen  the rough edges of her experience to make him love her more. She was lost and the seed of obsession with him began to sprout in her since they began dating. Today, she wondered just how much more she would take. she contemplated suicide but art of her knew that it'd be a betrayal to her babies but is this the kind of life she wanted for them? Though she needed an out, she was scared of being alone and if avoiding that meant putting on a brave face that she was willing to swallow it all in. 

 

When Mark woke up, he started hurling insults at the mess she had caused. He pushed her to the wall which she hit with a thud and fell on her knees but this time no tears came out; she had resigned herself to whatever would happen. He kicked and hit her but still got no reaction and this made him even more angry. She felt numb and dead inside that even the heavy blow that sent her tooth landing on the floor didn't startle her. She carefully picked up her tooth waiting for him to land the next one but none was forthcoming. Mark was also taken aback and to cover it, he accused her of seeing other men and being a cheap whore. He called her all sorts of profanities but she didn't say anything and when she finally opened her mouth to speak all she could manage to say in a whisper was "I am pregnant with twins" 

 

Mark's reaction was to storm out into the bedroom and threw all her things into a bag and ask her to leave his house because according to him he wasn't ready to be anyone's father. He blamed her for trying to trap him into marriage and that he couldn't settle with someone of her calibre. A tear fell from her left eye as she dragged her bags out and she quickly wiped it away. The tears she had shed the last month had left her drained, tired and exhausted and there was no point crying over him anymore. 

 

As an orphaned girl at the early age of five, having been passed down from one relative to another and finally ending up in a rescue centre where she was molested severally by those who were to take care of her, she'd always felt alone and cursed to be that way. She hadn't known what love is until she met Mark so she'd thought that maybe fate was finally smiling down on her but on the contrary she ended up trapped again. She wondered again why fate hated her so much as she recalled how her father had died of HIV/AIDS and her mother following him shortly after by commiting suicide due to depression that came by with the stigma. Somehow, she didn't end up on the streets despite nobody wanting her as they were afraid that she was also sick and now, she was a destitute again, with two babies on the way and didn't know what to do with herself.

 

When she left, people threw her mixed glances whispering amongst themselves as she walked through the estate, some of them with pity whilst others giggled and pointed fingers. She had learnt earlier in life that people loved petty packages and to them she was a schmutz. An outsider who never belonged and now that they were rid of the morass which she represented, and to some it was a relief. After walking for hours, tired and hungry and with her feet hurting, she sat by the road side. She tried calling some of the people she considered friends but the moment they heard it was over between Mark and her, they seemed to find every bit of excuse why they weren't in a position to help. 

 

 

Caught between a rock and a hard place and knowing that her posterity lay with the two unborn kids she was carrying, she hailed a matatu and headed to the slum area. She looked for an affordable small room, spread her clothes on the floor and had a long sleep. She needed the rest and it enveloped her easily making a resolve that she'll pull herself together. She woke up feeling lighter and optimistic as she prepared to go to work in her small shop in town where she sold phone accessories, whistling happily. 

 

Days turned into months and her due date neared. There were days she'd panic and fall into depression thinking of commiting suicide but she also had her share of good days. She used her pain as a resolve and fuel to surge on barely talking about it, for she had learnt that people don't give those who are hurting a chance to be real. Life had humbled her in impossible ways and people were mostly only there for the good times, when it rains you get drenched alone. Sleep and work became part of her daily routine for she had no friends to connect with. Mark never checked up on her and was never bothered about the babies either. She had chosen names and had done what she could to prepare for the girls who were to arrive anytime and when she woke up in pangs of pain early one Saturday morning, she dragged herself to her hospital with no one to hold her hand and welcomed her girls. She wept with relief because she was no longer alone. They will always be part of her and will forever be by her side. 

 

But things weren't as easy as she'd anticipated for she couldn't work anymore and the final nail was having her shop robbed. She turned to begging for food and detested the girls for hindering her movements. Most of the people who often pretended to help her genuinely started knocking on her door to collect and she soon learnt that nothing was for free. Every time they had their way with her, both men and women, young and old, something inside her died and she loathed the girls more. She'd tried commiting suicide severally but even death shunned her and somehow she always survived the attempts. She had lost her self worth and life had no meaning. She had been served the shorter end of the stick and life kept taking more than it gave until there was nothing left for her to lose. This had turned out to be her life for two years every other day. Sexual molestation was one of the badges she wore that weighed her down.

 

 

On the fateful morning that Susan knocked on her door, she let her in and started stripping down, having the usual routine in mind. By now she was used to it and had no room for small talk but when she in turn covered her up in a towel and told her that's not what she was there for it both startled her and took her aback. Instead, Susan asked her to clean up while she tidied her small room, cleaned up the girls and prepared something for them. Too skeptical and not sure what to think, Stephanie begrudgingly dragged her feet to the bathroom, enjoyed a long shower and when she went back to her room the makeover and how clean and tidy everything looked surprised her. The girls were giddy and giggling clinging on Susan like their lives depended on it and for the first time in a long while the atmosphere seemed calm. They shared a meal as Susan explained that she'd heard of her misfortune and had come to offer her a fresh start but Stephanie didn’t believe her, because she had learnt the hard way that in such situations something had to give and she had nothing to offer. It took a while for Susan to convince her to give it a try and be open minded about it and she finally accepted.

 

xxxxx

 

Stephanie had had her share of pains and struggles in life but nothing had prepared her for the pain that shot through her head when she awoke the demons that she had long buried inside. Healing sounded easy when they talked about it with Susan but when she started therapy, having to both face and talk about her demons and the weight that she'd carried inside for too long, it was like reliving the entire experience all over again. It made her sick and on days like today, as she sat in her room writhing in pain and digging her fingernails into her arms hoping that the blood trickling down her arms would quench the thirst of whatever demons were haunting her and have them finally leave her alone.  Nightmares didn't allow her to get enough sleep and there seemed to be no escape. She was left wondering whether it was all worth it and was she wrong in revisiting her past if this is what healing entailed? Was she naive in thinking that she can get past the pain, resentments and bitterness and get a chance at a fresh start? She had coexisted with her pain for so long that she'd accepted the fact that it'd always be who she was. 

 

She was bombarded with all these questions that she didn't have an answer to and whether it was a way out or a trap to keep her caged in she had no idea. All she had now was Susan holding her hand with a promise of not letting her go but it wasn't a guarantee that she'd keep her word she was still taking it with a grain of salt. All she could hope for was that the stars that had shone on her and led this glimmer of hope along her path would continue shining on her and she could recreate something beautiful from the mess that had been her life, at least for her daughters if not herself. Whatever the future had in store for her she didn't know but she clung to the flicker of hope in the horizon.  No one knew the things she had endured like her, her flaws told her story and had been her badge for a long time but now all she was hoping was to rewrite the script, accept her flaws and appreciate her gifts and most of all be proud of how well the two fit together. 

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